Internal Conflicts…

I’m going to post my writing on here…Not sure if that’s a good idea but maybe if people know what’s going on in my head they will be able to help me figure it out.

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              Why can’t I be happy about this? All day I have been anticipating a response and now that I have it and it’s what I wanted why can I not find it inside me to be happy? I’m sitting here on my couch just bawling my eyes out because I’m so confused and the only people I feel like I could talk about to this are asleep and on vacation. 

                First issue at hand is the actual move… A free house who would say no, three bedrooms, full attic and basement, a two car garage and a fenced in backyard, it sounds so perfect. The problem is I’m terrified to go. Yeah my whole family is there but this feels like home to me. My small apartment that Jeff and I have called home for over a year now. I had a job that I loved but that turned sour. He loves his job but we don’t know how much longer he will have it. They gave him an extension so he can get a perm spot but they are still on a hiring freeze so what happens in August? Does he get another extension or is that the end of the line? Our friends here are also amazing and well we don’t really have too many of them in Ohio and the ones we do have are my mom’s friends. And let’s face it at 22 there really isn’t a whole lot of meeting new people… But all this leads into issue number two.

                On May 23^rd I quit my job. Just up and decided I was done. Probably the worst decision I’ve made in a while. I made 13 dollars an hour and sat on facebook all day long. That was the last good job I had here and the last one I believe I had here for me… That hurts me more than anyone could imagine. I got a phone call today about a job interview at Joann fabrics, I go Thursday at 1 to have it. I want to be excited about it because it’s part time and at somewhere that I would love to work but I know I’m just going to have to quit at the end of the month and how do you put in your two week notice when you’ve only worked there a week? I couldn’t do that. I mean don’t get me wrong since I quit my job I have been much happier than I have been in probably 6 months if not more but how else can you make that kind of money with guaranteed hours not doing collections? If anyone knows feel free to tell me cause that could solve some serious issues I’m having within myself. We basically have jobs lined up for us in Ohio but again it’s customer service and that’s basically the same pool and I can’t do it again. Those kind of jobs take me to a dark place in my life that I just cannot handle. I imagine if I got a couple fun part time jobs here I could make it work but then that leaves the whole moving thing as a huge conflict inside of me. I don’t want to let anyone down in my family by not moving but I’m scared. I’m scared that I will be afraid in the house… it’s big. I get super nervous in my little two bedroom apartment what is a whole house going to do to me? I’m also scared of failing. What if I can’t find a job I love out there? What if my family and I don’t get along with me being so close? What if I lose ties with the people here that I love? I know what if’s are horrible things that will eat away at a person’s soul but when making a decision this big one can only think of all those things.  Also what if we decided to stay? I haven’t worked in a week now so we are going to struggle so bad next month cause of my poor decisions. I’m just so lost and have no body to turn to, no one to tell me what to do. Jeff said yes that’s all I thought I needed, all I wanted but now I’m having all these crazy internal conflicts that I cannot stop thinking about. I’ve been nervous for a couple days now and I just don’t know how to handle this. I wouldn’t mind getting a house here and staying but is that what I really want? I know he would love to stay here but he said he will do whatever makes me happy. I could picture us in Wheatfield maybe…a little ranch style house 2 bedrooms would be okay since we only plan on having one kid anytime in the future for now seeing as that’s hard enough to accomplish… but that’s a whole other story in itself. I just really don’t know what to do…

                We have made so many amazing friends living here that I just don’t think I could leave. Some people have been through it all with us and others who I can see being in our lives for years to come.  I’ve also lost a lot of people here who helped change me and mold me into the person I’ve become. It just feels weird to say “A month from now I will be living in a different state.” I don’t think I like that. I think the part I’m most scared about though is hurting my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I’m just not sure if moving is what is right for us. UGH!

Why must this be so hard? Why must I be so torn between yes or no? I need to sleep on this.